Separation anxiety – How to deal with it
Separation anxiety can be overwhelming for parents:
It’s a working day and it’s time to drop my children off at nursery. As we enter the facility, my 4-year-old says: “I don’t want to go to nursery today”. His 5-year-old sister says, “He’s going to miss you a lot, mom”. The chaos of our morning flashes before me like a dagger straight to my mother’s heart, and for a split second I wonder if it’s even worth it? Should I give up and keep her with me forever? I reassure myself that he’s going to have a lot of fun as soon as I walk out the door, just like he does every day!
“Here’s the thing: Separation anxiety is normal.”
What to expect
When does separation anxiety occur?
They are a necessary part of development that can begin as early as 5 months of age (typically 8/9 months when the regression occurs) and peaks at 14-18 months. It is a developmental milestone in which the infant recognizes that the primary caregiver has left, causing discomfort and anxiety. Over time, the child learns that the attachment figure will return (this is called person permanence and develops around the 9th/10th month of life) and that attachments to other attachment figures can offer security during times of separation from the primary caregiver. It is crucial for the development of this understanding that there are always phases of separation during this phase.
How does separation anxiety manifest itself?
Separation anxiety can manifest itself in different ways, and some children show no signs at all. As a rule, children cry, cling to their caregivers or beg them not to leave. They become distressed when the primary caregiver prepares to leave the house and then calm down relatively quickly. Other children may show physical symptoms such as abdominal pain and avoidance of greetings at the time of weaning. Separation anxiety can also peak outside of typical developmental times when children are experiencing changes (new sibling, moving house, starting school) and at other times there seems to be no obvious trigger for the separation anxiety phase.
Some children may then show heightened emotions when they return home or show further separation anxiety before bedtime or during the night.
When separation anxiety occurs, it can be overwhelming, but you can be sure that in most cases it will pass.
Here are my best tips to help your child with separation anxiety:
✨ Make it clear to your child and yourself when you will return or who will pick up your child.
✨ Talk to your child about what you will do together after the return/reunion.
✨ When you are together again, talk about your experiences and activities.
✨ Stick to bedtime and schedule as usual.
✨ Acknowledge the separation anxiety, but reassure your child that you are safe and that you are there for them.
✨ Start by spending time with your child in a new environment.
✨ Start with short separations if possible.
✨ Validate their worries and experiences (“it’s okay if they miss me”).
✨ Develop a clear plan for weaning the child and keep it short. If you drag it out, you’ll make it harder for your child, not easier.
✨ Don’t sneak away, as this may seem easier in the moment, but can increase separation anxiety in the future.
✨ Try to stay calm and confident (I know, it’s hard!).
When can/should I get help?
If separation anxiety lasts longer than 4 weeks (especially in children over the age of 4) and begins to significantly interfere with the child’s daily activities, it may be time to seek professional help.
Separation anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders in children in Germany and the most common anxiety disorder. A study by the Australian Psychological Study in 2022 reports that separation anxiety has increased by 36% in children aged 18 months to 5 years. If you think your child needs professional support, you should first make an appointment with your pediatrician. Your child can point you in the right direction for services and strategies that will best support you and your child.
Some of the signs that professional support is needed are:
✨ Extended distress when dropping the child off and inability to calm down after the primary caregiver has left.
✨ The child is sent home from childcare or school due to stress and distress.
✨ Avoiding activities that the child used to enjoy or avoiding leaving the house.
✨ Fears that something bad might happen to the main caregiver if they are not together.
✨ Excessive physical symptoms, such as frequent vomiting before starting school.
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Separation anxiety is hard for the whole family to deal with, and it’s difficult to see our children so upset. If they suffer from separation anxiety, so do we! But you can rest assured that in most cases, your child will go through another learning curve that will benefit them in their later years!!! If you are worried that your child is going through more than the “typical phase”, then take a deep breath… there are wonderful people out there ready to help you and your child get back on track!
